oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
