Welp...herpes.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
