And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Someone shit on the floor
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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