dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
