I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize
