do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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