Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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