I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
