woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
