What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
