Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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