I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
