my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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