Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
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im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
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I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I lost the right to judge tonight
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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