I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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