I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
