I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
it was like eating out sand paper
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
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I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
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Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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