Duck Duck Cougar?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He? As in you personified your dick?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
