the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
