if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
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He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
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One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
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