Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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