Duck Duck Cougar?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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