Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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