got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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