spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
