my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Ketchup is God's man juice
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
