K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize