I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
