my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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