you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
