he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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