His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
