God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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