I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
