She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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