I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
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I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
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I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.