Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
