Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
