I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
