the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
