I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
