when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
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i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
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What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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