She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
birth control should be required to get into college
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
