I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
