So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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