I'm eating all of the evidence.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
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At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
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"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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