Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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