you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
