Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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