i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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