I wish my penis had an off switch
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I love having hate sex.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
