I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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