My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
