She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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