Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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