I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
