Can i not drive my cunt home
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
