dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
