call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
